Ain't Ms Behavin': Holiday Manners
By Carol Novis

FOWL PLAY
Q: My newly observant friend plans to practice kaparot, which I understand means hurling a chicken around your head as a kind of atonement before Yom Kippur. This horrifies me. Is there an etiquette issue here?
A: I suppose the chicken would consider it rude. Explain to your friend that kaparot is a custom, not a commandment, and that it can be done with money instead, which is then donated to charity.

BEYOND CHICKEN SOUP
Q: I am so bored with the traditional holiday meal. What are some alternatives that won't offend the traditionalists?
A: I wouldn't cut out the apples and honey or round halla, which have a religious and not just a gastronomic significance. But it's certainly possible to be creative with other traditional Rosh Hashana foods such as beets, leeks and carrots, or to substitute, say, salmon terrine for gefilte fish and pomegranate granite for compote.
There is one disclaimer: if Aunt Sarah takes great pride in her gefilte fish, which she has brought to every family occasion for the last 30 years, it is certainly impolite to tell her that this year, you would prefer a tuna pate.

WHAT A BORE
Q: I am in my Œ20s and just can't bear the thought of the the usual boring family Rosh Hashana dinner. It may be rude to skip the holiday dinner at my grandmother's house, but just how rude?
A: Pretty rude and not worth it anyway. True, if you refuse to attend, you have the fun of snubbing your relatives, but how are you going to feel when Rosh Hashana comes, everyone is at their own relatives' houses and you are all alone? You can make the same point by attending the dinner, making your grandmother happy, and sneering from time to time if you must.

LATE DINNER
Q: My sister won't come to our Rosh Hashana dinner because it starts too late. She says her kids can't wait that long for dinner. Ms Behavin', my husband goes to synagogue on the eve of Rosh Hashana and we can't start the meal till he gets back. Who is impolite here?
A: Your sister, assuming she isn't just using this as an excuse to miss your dinner. It's too much to expect an observant person to give up synagogue services for the sake of feeding the children early. Suggest that she feed them something before the meal. After all, what does she do on Pessah, when the kids have to wait until after a long Haggada reading to eat?

CARD PLAY
Q: Ms Behavin', when I was growing up in the US many years ago, it was the custom to send New Year greeting cards to all one's friends and relatives on Rosh Hashana. I still keep this custom, but I feel hurt when my cards aren't reciprocated. Not only that, but someone had the nerve last year to reciprocate for my card by sending an e-mail card in which an apple hopped around the screen! What is your opinion of the etiquette of greeting cards?
A: Many people still do send cards, but in general it is a declining custom. It is certainly polite to acknowledge receipt of such a card either by telephone or in person, but not absolutely necessary. There are more heinous grievances to feel offended at then your friends not sending you a card. (As for e-mail cards, personally Ms Behavin' thinks they're cute. Her e-mail address is below.)

CLEAN UP
Q: Do we have to offer to help clean up if we're invited to someone's house for Rosh Hashana dinner?
A: Yes, you have to offer. No, you do not have to insist.

VEG OUT
Q: I am a vegetarian. Should I tell the hostess when I am invited for the holiday dinner?
A: Better to tell her than to sit there refusing all the food she has prepared. Offer to bring a vegetarian dish.

PRESENTS OF MIND
Q: What is expected in the way of gifts?
A: If you are invited to be a guest in someone's home, you are expected to bring a gift, which might be chocolates (suitable for a sweet year), flowers, wine or something for the home. Some families give each other gifts, but this is by no means universal.

WHO ELSE IS INVITED?
Q: We have been invited to a relative's house for Rosh Hashana dinner. Can I ask who else will be there, since I would like to avoid spending the evening with a certain cousin who I suspect may be invited too?
A: If you've already been invited and accepted, it is perfectly OK to ask who else will be there. What you can't do is recall a previous engagement when you hear that the dread cousin is going to be present.
Suppose then, that you haven't yet been asked and only think that your relative is going to invite you. If your relative does ask you, can you ask who else will be there, before replying? Not really. Such a question implies that you're only considering coming if the company is up to standard, and that the presence of the host and hostess are not enough incentive to induce you to attend.

BE SEATED
Q: Do I have to sit families together at the holiday meal?
A: Ms Behavin' is a firm believer in placing all children together at one end of the table, where they can enjoy themselves in the company of their peers and not drive the adults crazy. Husband and wife are generally seated together at holiday meals, but not necessarily. If placement bothers you, let guests sit wherever they like.

LEAVE AND LET LEAVE
Q: When can we go home after the holiday meal? Can we just leave after eating, or are we expected to sit down in the living room and make conversation for awhile? Sometimes I feel that everyone is longing to go home, and the host and hostess want us to go home too, but no one wants to make the first move.
A: Children are a useful excuse on such occasions. No one is going to consider you rude if you say, ³Sorry to leave, but Ronny really needs to get to bed.² But what if you have no children?
Consider these signs as definite hints that it's time to hit the road after the holiday dinner: